Johnny English and the weird source of information
by Hamfast Gamgee
Summary: This is really a 3 way crossover and only part of a tale so be warned! Anyway, I can't seem to find a Johnny English catagory, but basically I suggest that the idiot in Johnny English was all a cover and in fact the real character was a bit like Blackadder. Hope you enjoy, Ham


Johnny English The weird source of information.

This is, to be honest, a crossover. The characters are loosely based upon the Johnny English movies. But I was not a great fan of these, but I thought that maybe the premise might work with possibly a few slight adjustments to nearly quote Blackadder. So, in this the idiot character of Johnny English was really all a cover and in fact he was a cunning, intelligent and in some ways quite a ruthless man. With possibly a touch of the George Smileys rather than James Bond in him. But this is really just a snapshot. Anyway, I hope you enjoy, please review if you can, Ham.

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George had thought that his new job in the secret service was a bit dull. He had just graduated from University, with a top grade in politics/Computing and had been thrust straight into the secret service. It sounded exciting, an Uncle of his had been in the service but was not allowed to say that much about it. Anyway, so far all of his job had been was to monitor information which he found dull in the extreme. So, he complained about this after a few weeks to his superior, one of the top people in the organization. She gave a wry smile at him and told him that if he wanted excitement he would get excitement and had assigned him to one Johnny English a legend of the organization.

So, he supposed, it was his own fault that after one morning with his new partner he was now completely and totally confused. It had surprised him quite a bit to hear that he was going to be with Johnny English of whom he had heard was a complete idiot. But someone had taken George to one side and informed him that English was one of the best agents of MI6, the idiot character was all a cover.

Well, he was now thinking, either English was very stupid or he was. George was now driving through Islington to an address that English had given him. To meet one Baldrick that English was keen to talk to. Now, George had heard of Baldrick, a retired MI6 agent and one that was a bit on the bonkers side as he said to English, 'I've heard of him, isn't he totally and utterly mad?'

'Yes, so he is. 95% of the time. And 5% of the time he is a genius. It is the genius side which we want.' English moved his car alongside a corner to a Chelsea residency. 'You see, Tuffers and Ransom were known to have had a meeting the other night, you remember out of our last discussion with Ransom and the far Eastern economic developments,' English moved the car along a quiet little, leafy residential road.

'Could they not have been having a discussion about old times?'

'Possibly, but I doubt. You see I know Tuffers. He is serious and passionate about our service. Especially when meeting old colleagues. And besides, meeting old colleagues for the case of nostalgia was never his thing. I suspect something is up. '

'If you say so.' George wasn't convinced. English parked the car on a side of a large, terrace house. It was detached and it looked like a well-to-do place. Turning of the ignition, and leaving the car, English and George walked down a pebble-laden path to a green door with a large knock on it, and a little bell with a loud ring when English pressed it. English whispered something in George's ear as they waited for an answer. After a while, George heard a rustling, a turning of a lock and was looking at Baldrick, a small bald thin man with a little smile on his face.

The man gave an animated smile. 'Oh, look here it's me old mate Johnny! Come for a nice cup of tea, I've still got some. Oh, or are we here for a chat about something important. Well, we can do both. I had a feeling you might be popping along. Something is vibrating you know. As well as my washing machine.'

Baldrick laughed. George was thinking that this was going to be a wasted trip. Inside a large living room with laminated comfortable sofas, two large TV's for some reason and a study with some electronic equipment in the corner. The cool morning sun beamed through the windows. A black man was on one of the chairs and stood up for the visitors. 'Sorry, Greg, I think me, Johners and his young chum need to have a chat about the wireless. Hate to kick you out, but it could be top secret,' said Baldrick like it could be anything else!

Greg looked puzzled for a second, 'What's top secret about a wireless,' but then Baldrick coughed subtly and Greg face cleared, 'Oh, that wireless. Oh, well, I was off anyway. Be seeing you,' he waved and moved out the room.

But English stopped for a little word, 'How is he?' he asked of Baldrick.

'Totally and utterly bonkers,' replied Greg. 'Amazing to think he did some good work for queen and country.'

'Yes he did. I'm afraid I can't say most of his stuff it is top secret,'

'So I gather. But really, how many experimental drugs did he actually take?'

'More than was good for him. He liked them. Said it stimulated his mind.'

Greg laughed, 'It stimulated something all right. Still I'm off, tar ra,' he left.

'Well, well, well, so nice to see me old chum, Johnny and his new mate, just popped in for a chat to catch up on old times. Well, isn't that nice. Like some tea?' Now, George did remember one very important thing which English had said to him which was not to trust Baldrick's tea. Not because it was drugged or anything, but because it tasted like cardboard. George did accept to be polite, but did not drink any of it.

'So, how are you?' asked English.

'Fine, fine, could be better, could be worse,'

'Won any of your bets?'

'Won a few, lost a few that's the way it goes, great hobby!'

'Now, then,' English began. 'I was wondering if you knew anything about a bit of strange espionage activity happening in this country. I only ask because some of our older agents are getting a bit excited about something and I wondered if you could comment upon this, knowing that you have some rather unique abilities.' Which was one way of putting it. However, brilliant as English was sometimes he could overplay his hand. As he thought he might have done in this situation. He did realize this and tried to make up for it by drinking some of Baldrick's tea and not making any comment.

Baldrick's face screwed up in - as it happened false - disappointment. 'Oh, no. There was me thinking that you had come to see your old mate Balders for old times sake. But it seems that you just want to pick my brains for your own professional ends. Still, I suppose that is better than picking your backside. And speaking of which, why don't you sit on yours, George,' he said. George took this to mean he should sit down. Which he did and was surprised by the sound of a whoopee cushion going off as he sat on it.

'Very funny,' thought he ironically, but Baldrick liked it and laughed uproariously.

After a few more niceties, English got to the point. 'There have been some suspicious movements in the Chinese intelligence community. At first it was just a feeling amongst some of the emigrates, but we know for sure that a cell is operating. I had to play the idiot a little to get some information I wanted from the Chinese embassy, but we had our suspicions.'

Yes, George knew that English had been known to play the idiot which he could do well to put people in a false sense of security. It worked with politicians, which, he had found out, were sometimes the worse enemy of the secret service. English had, for example, been instrumental in the case of the weapons of mass destruction briefings in the build up to the 2nd Saddam Hussein Iraq war. This was the case in which the Blair Government was desperate for information to pin evidence of weapons of mass destruction upon Saddam Hussein but just couldn't do it and so wanted MI6 to 'sex-up,' as it were, the small amount of evidence they did have.

Now MI6 was split at the time. There were those whom said 'Yes sir, absolutely sir,' to the Blair administration and were prepared to obey without question, but there were some to whom using the service for something which was borderline dishonest and only done for political expediency rather than any concern for national security was a disgrace and for a few almost a resignation issue. But then English, with the head of MI6 and with Baldrick actually came up with an idea.

'If it's going to be sexed-up, lets sex it up good and proper and make it obvious that we are only doing it for the Government and better than that, let everyone in the media know that we are only doing it for the Government's sake,' said he. And how it worked! Of all the people whom were damaged in the later revelations, the secret service got of Scott free. Of course, one consequence was that an innocent man did commit suicide as a result of this policy, but ruthless old game was spying as English often said.

'We have heard of an agent called Zang Kn'wilt, but we know precious little about him. I was wondering if in any of your incidents in the far east and we know that you have a famous few that you have any idea?'

'Aha, the Chinese! Our top trading partners, you know? Look at this, this, this!' Baldrick showed some of his possessions, 'All made in China, note. Did you know that we do more trade with the Chinks than with our EU buddies.' Baldrick made a disapproving noise as though his opinions of the EU shared those of UKIP. 'But we have to be cagey, though. Cagey, cagey. We certainly don't trust the Chinks completely. And we would like some info on their agents wouldn't we darlings,'

Baldrick eyes drifted and his voice warbled of. 'But do you know anything of Kn'Wilt?'

Baldrick answered, 'I might, I might. I know many things. Interesting stuff about horses, mostly, but as a little hobby I have been looking at the Chinese secret files with a program which I developed. Well, I didn't but my computer friend did and wrote for me a charming little algorithm to do so and I just point him in the right direction. Look here,' he pointed to his laptop, made a few commands and George saw a whole document. In Chinese.

'Do you speak Chinese then?' asked George.

'Of course, one of my many talents,' laughed Baldrick. 'Although, in fact a PC translator also does the job,' said he with one touch of a button turning the document into English. 'You have to use your brains however,' he continued, 'Not quite all of the translations make sense grammatically or logically and certainly don't make sense and certainly don't take the wonderful world of espionage into account. Oh, you wanted to know of Kn'Wilt, well he is up there and has been in the country, not as himself of course, but as one of his alias. And he has been active in this country recently.' Baldrick laughed again.

'Do the Chinese know you are looking into their files like this?' asked George.

'Not totally, no, no. This is all very top secret, hush, hush. Some a bit illegal for us in fact. But I have a certain, shall we say licence and I'm not talking about my car. Anyway, if they object, we will simply expose one or two of the activities they have been getting up to. One thing which you need to do is to look at the money. There have been certain contacts between Kn'Wilt and a rather large English co-operation. One which has been expanding a bit rapidly and a bit against the current economic climate. I can't quite prove anything, that's your job,' Baldrick laughed again.

'Hmmmm, ok, thank you that was quite helpful. But you are right, we have to be careful. This could be a rogue Chinese agent with a powerful agent right in the midst of the City or if we play it correct a useful defection to us. That would be a major feather in our cap at the moment. Or even a agent in favour of us if we can find something,'

'Would be the first Chinese agent who didn't have some helpful little secrets,'

'Indeed, Baldrick. We could make him an offer. Which it would be in his interests to accept.'

'What if he doesn't accept?' asked George.

'He will wish he did,'

'Isn't that a tad ruthless,' said George.

'Ruthless old game spying is sometimes,' said English with a a guilt-free smile. 'Well, I must say thank you, Balders, you have at least pointed us in the right direction. And confirmed that something is up. We do need to do a bit more investigating. Baldrick, Baldrick!' But Baldrick had dropped of to sleep. He was muttering a bit as well. 'Oh, well,' thought English, 'l suppose he has had his sane moment of the day!'

'Well, we mustn't outstay our welcome, must we Baldrick,'

'What welcome?' laughed Baldrick, waking up. 'oh, look at that,'

'Look at what?' asked George grumpily who had just stood up,

'Your shoes. Made in China! Like just about everything. You can sit down still, have more tea!'

George was about to when he remembered about English's advice about Baldrick's tea. He also remembered about the whoopee cushion. Not wishing to be fooled twice he decided it would be better to remain standing. But one thing was puzzling him. This Baldrick did seem to have moments of pure genuis. So why didn't he make more use of it? By making lots of money seen as he seemed to be good with the City. He asked this of English,

'Oh, well, he does have one weakness. Quite an important weakness. He has an over-natural fondness for the races. And betting on them. He goes to Epsom or Ascot, gets himself all dressed up acts all very knowledgeable with his friends their, drinks expensive wine and then he puts lots of money on horses called no flipping chance, usually at odds of 100 - 1 or greater, don't you Balders?'

Baldrick woke up, 'It has to work one day,' said he with a laugh.

'I think we have taken up enough of your time, thank you very much for your help,' concluded English with a nod. He and George saw themselves out, back to the car. 'Now, then, did you get all of that?' English asked of George.

George snorted. It had been quite an experience, thought he. But he replied, 'the main idea, yes. It seems that there is a rogue Chinese agent on the loose. A dangerous and powerful one as well. This sounds like an unfortunate situation, we need to be careful. Or why don't we just check on everyone Chinese and keep tabs on them?'

'Really, George, I hadn't had you done as a hoarder! I doubt if we really have the resources to do that. Plus there is the small matter of human rights. We in the secret service cannot do nearly as much as some of us would like to, not that I would necessarily count myself in that category. Also... you know in this game, one needs to examine every obstacle very carefully. With a little adjustment they really can be turned into levers. If we could find a link to this agent and turn him, willingly or no, that could be a positive boon to us. We don't really have any links in China, you know, the CIA have, but we do not and it would be nice. We could use it in a much more subtle manner than they do, in Russia for example. Also in the Arab world. The Chinese agency network is big, but very unsubtle. Especially in comparison to our guys. if only we knew some of what they know about the Middle-East, the influence we could bring. But the Chinese ate very entrusting with us. We might have to force them. So, do you have any plans for tonight?'

'I was planning a trip to the pub!'

'Possibly not a wise idea. I have some homework for you. You have recorded that entire conversation on your phone as I asked, yes? What I want you to do is to look at it and to edit out all of the rubbish which Baldrick talked and to give me the gold. Excellent. Well, I can see that you will be of assistance to me in this case. But I think we have more work to do, more of a trail, more people to speak to. I do need one of the China watchers, maybe Deng he was an old agent of ours he knows a bit about Chinese history,'

'I did some Chinese history at college on one of my majors,' said George,

'Excellent. Did you cover the activities of the Chinese intelligence in the 60s?'

'Er, no, I must have missed that bit,'

'Oh, well, then!'

English smiled, and George thought that this new assignment of his could be interesting as they drove on.


End file.
